How Much Loss?

It’s been over a month since I’ve written, a long break for such a new blogger. I’ve been missing the writing – and frankly the reading – of all of my fellow bloggers, but haven’t been able to face the reality of what’s been going on at home. Somehow writing it down makes it all more real.

In my last post, I shared some of the struggles the hubs and I have been facing. In this post, I’ll share that they’re looking increasingly insurmountable. It’s been an intense few months of inward focus, long conversations, sharing of hopes, dreams, and plans. Unfortunately after all these years of the baby chase, its like we’ve emerged on completely different paths. As much time as I’ve spent thinking about what I want my life without children to look like, so has he, and I’m here to tell you those lives don’t look at all the same.

I always felt proud that we were not one of those couples who let infertility destroy them. If it were just that, maybe we could make it. But as it turns out, there have been other things lurking that have now found the space to come out in full force. Perhaps they were always there, but were concealed by the singular focus of our married life. Perhaps they’ve found more definition in this raw transition phase. I really don’t know.

We love each other deeply – it would be easier if we didn’t – but find ourselves at this juncture wanting very different things. The problem is, the life he wants would take a lot of sacrifice from me, and I already feel that I’ve given so much up. It sounds selfish, but I don’t want to give up anything else. I’m not sure I’ll recognize myself if I do.

Just when I finally feel that I’ve come close to accepting the reality of life without children, I’m faced with yet another loss. No more taking comfort in the strength of my marriage, or conspiring in the joys that only a life without children allows. No more dreaming of the unexpected pregnancy, or coming around to consider adoption. Now it’s all over. My my six-plus year marriage, and any tiny glimmer of hope of being a mother. How did I get here?

I don’t know how to write about this, but I miss the writing.

10 thoughts on “How Much Loss?

  1. Mali

    I’m really sorry to hear this. I certainly don’t have any answers. I would utter a word of caution that the first year or two (or even three) after realising that you won’t have children can be very emotional for both partners in a relationship, and it’s not – or it wasn’t for me – really a good time to make major decisions. If you both feel strongly though, or if the evidence for this is overwhelming, all I can do is wish you the very best, and send hugs.

    1. Abby Post author

      Thank you Mali, I appreciate the wise counsel. I think we’ll end up doing the right thing, but it is hard not to lump all the issues together. Hugs back at you.

  2. Kathryn

    Oh Abby,
    This is so heartbreaking to read.

    Infertility changes us in ways we never imagined or expected. It leaves us so brittle and fragile with very little but broken pieces that often take years to pick up and attempt to repair.
    It certainly opens the door to our other shortcomings and with little else to focus on they tend to take centre stage between us.

    I don’t see you as selfish. I see you as self-preserving. The journey we have taken so far is not one I would wish on anybody. We’ve been knocked down countless times but managed to get back up and walk on. When we finally decide and accept that we need a plan B, it unlocks for each of us alternatives that we had never envisaged or dreamt about as a couple. To discover you are at a crossroads is very distressing.

    I can only offer you my hope, my prayers, my best wishes, that you find what will make you both happy and content, my friend.

    1. Abby Post author

      Thank you Kathryn, you described it so well. Crossroads, alternatives, dreams, journeys….I had no idea we’d end up here. As I mentioned above, I’m sure we’ll do the right thing, but it is hard hard.

  3. BentNotBroken

    I am sending hugs and good thoughts your way. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any advice or any answers, but I do know that you are strong and resilient and will get through this, regardless of the outcome.

    As for the writing about it, my suggestion would be to just write whatever comes to your mind. It will be cathartic. Even if you never hit publish, it’s good to get “it” all out.

    1. Abby Post author

      Thank you! If nothing else, infertility has shed a light on my resilience. Though sometimes I just want to hunker down and pretend it all away. I will keep writing, thanks for the encouragement.

  4. Pamela

    Dear Abby,
    I echo much of what my fellow bloggers shared.

    I also understand the need to find a way forward that gives you both fulfillment and white space to create new dreams. I wish for you a 2016 that allows you and your husband to find clarity, peace and new beginnings. xo

    1. Abby Post author

      Thank you Pamela, and congratulations on your nine-year blogging anniversary!

      I’m feeling inspired to come out of my hole and continue the writing. It’s been a long few months. More to come.


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