The Cycle of Life

Despite being persistently infertile, I have always had very regular cycles. I can count on ovulation and my period to come like clockwork. In fact the only time my cycle has really been disrupted was during IVF, when the hormones I was pumping into my body were throwing everything out of whack.

In my 20s, cycle day 27 was the day I would welcome my period as it was a sign that all “down there” was working as it should. I remember distinctly thinking how lucky I was to have a regular, manageable muenstral cycle, when so many of my friends did not. Now, cycle day 27 is the day when I brace myself for disappointment. Her arrival doesn’t sting as much as it used to, but I still steel myself up for it. While she might surprise me a day early, she rarely comes a minute late.

Well, this month she arrived a day late and I’m ashamed to say that it messed with me. Now I know, deep in my core, that my chances of getting pregnant naturally are infinitesimal. After all, we’ve been trying for 5+ years, on our own and with help, and I’ve never seen the elusive plus sign. But I had been feeling especially tired and cranky and bloated, and you can bet that little voice of hope creeped in.

I can’t explain to you how much it pisses me off that after all this time I still go there. I can make all the declarations I want about accepting a life without children – and believe me, I’m ready to move on –  but my body apparently has other ideas. It makes me wonder if there will ever be a day when I am surprised by my period, or can really make love to the hubs without wondering in the back of my mind what cycle day it is. And when I won’t let my mind wander when I’m one day late.

Two days forward, one day back. Such is the cycle of life.

[I adapted this from a blog post I wrote on another site over a year ago when I had another late arrival, but it still rings true this month. So much for progress!]

3 thoughts on “The Cycle of Life

  1. BnB

    You’re not alone in this! I don’t know how many times I’ve done the same. For me it feels like my brain understands that my chances of getting pregnant are somewhere in the same vicinity as getting struck by lightning, but my heart screams “there’s still a chance!” You can’t go from paying attention to every thing to paying attention to nothing. Or at least I couldn’t. I ended up getting an IUD. Granted about 98% of that was to control my horrific periods, but the remaining 2% was for my mental health. Simply put, even though I knew there was a really small chance of getting pregnant, I was devastated every single month, and the weight of it was cumulative and didn’t get easier with time. Now I just sort of have the attitude that between the IUD and my asshat ovaries there is no chance, and that’s been good for both my mental health and mine and hubs’ relationship.

    Oh, and I always laugh that I used to think “thank God, I got my period!” because there was more than one occasion that I didn’t follow the birth control instructions to the letter.

    Reply
    1. anotherforty

      Thanks BnB, I appreciate the solidarity. I suppose I should view it as a gift to be so in tune with my body, but I wish my head weren’t – the gift that keeps on giving! 🙂 I have considered BC, and totally get why you would go there, even if only for peace of mind! I haven’t had a great experience with IUD/pill so am resisting for now….we shall see. Thanks for your comment.

      Reply
  2. Mali

    Oh yes. Give yourself time. And time in fact will help you feel differently too. I can tell you, it really screwed with my head when, in my mid-40s, my cycles started changing, and my initial reactions to that were very confused!

    Reply

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