Monthly Archives: May 2015

Exploring Another Forty…

I turned 40 in January of this year and I’m finally ready to admit that I will never be a mom. I’m also very ready to figure out what another forty years might have in store for me.

The hubs snagged this url for me on my 40th birthday, as I was wallowing in my continued barrenness, and his private first post to me about our future adventures was so scrumptious and filled with optimism that it made my heart hurt. I’ve been holding this hurt in so long, waiting for my “real life to begin” that I’ve decided to fake it until I make it by exploring a new one here, in the buff.

That is how this blogging thing feels, doesn’t it? Naked?

This is actually my third blog. The first one, very professionally put together by the software engineer hubs in 2010, focused on the tantalizing topic of science policy. After three years of weekly updates and a new, somewhat overwhelming job, I decided to lay down my pen.

I missed weekly writing, so I started an anonymous personal blog in 2014. This outlet allowed me to write about the baby pursuit that occupied nearly all of my non-working (ok, some working) and non-sleeping (ok, some sleeping) hours. After all those years of trying to conceive every possible way – the natural way, the artificial way, the alternative way – as well as some seriously emotional work to consider and ultimately decide against adoption, it’s time to come to terms with the fact that our journey has come to an end.

With this blog, I want to look forward, while honoring the past. My drive to have a baby has taken a toll on me, my career, my friendships, and most importantly my marriage. There are times I wish I could have a do-over with a different “happy” ending, but alas, we are not all that fortunate.

That’s one of the reason I want to be here, because I know there are others like me who have hit the end of the road without the adorable munchkin to show for it. I have benefited so profoundly from the growing crowd of voices representing this tribe, including Justine at Ever Upward, Pamela at Silent Sorority, Lisa at Life Without Baby, Jessica at The Pursuit of Motherhood, and Jody at Gateway Women, that I thought one more couldn’t hurt.

Mostly, I want to figure out my Plan B (thanks for the idea, Jody!) without it feeling like a Plan B. I want to face head-on my own resistance to this idea, and society’s reluctance to encourage it. I want to apply some of the vigor I’ve demonstrated in one pursuit, to another, equally important pursuit. And I want to be open, honest, and naked about it all.